My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
