he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
