If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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