i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
