from now on my penis is your penis
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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