The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
