I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
