No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize