i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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