i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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