Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
