I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
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I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
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As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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