My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
