honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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