Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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