Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
