WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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