i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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