How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
