i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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