Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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