You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
