My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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