somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
