I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
