Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
