you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
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