Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
