woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
