I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
