so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
