So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
