It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she looked like the before picture.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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