Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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