dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
