Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
