I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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