she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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