I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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