oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
