he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
