it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
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He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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