I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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