So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
never play flip cup with pint glasses
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
