I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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