You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
