And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
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I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
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We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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