I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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