Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
