dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
