Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
