you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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