the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
