somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
