It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
