I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
