I could have mohawked her pubes.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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